First, I love to volunteer. I need to get paid to volunteer because I'm very good at it :) Jove used to tell me if I was going to work so much, I should at least try and get paid for it but I liked the variety that came with volunteering and meeting different groups of people depending upon which thing I was giving my time to. Last weekend the kids and I had the pleasure of helping pack food supplies to send to kids in Haiti. As we were working together for 2 hours, I was feeling enormous pride in my two kiddos who tirelessly worked with more speed than most of the adults there. As we worked, though, I couldn't help but think that we would not be there volunteering if Jove were alive. I loved many things about Jove but he never understood how everything could pull at my heartstrings and cause me to 1) cry, 2) want to help, and 3) give money to people in need. I think he appreciated that about me but not enough to help me in my efforts without some serious prodding. He was extremely generous, don't get me wrong, but it was usually with things closer to home. Mind you, he was active in many volunteer organizations before he met me but, between you and I, I think it was just to meet girls :) I thought of this because some of these books we all read on grieving tell us to focus on who we are now versus the person we were as part of a couple. I am not finding many differences. Yes, in some ways, I feel I have more "freedom" to do things as I want them done and I don't have to compromise but, mostly, I feel like the same person. I have the same hobbies. My friends did not change (though I may have acquired some new ones). Some things I've renewed my commitment to (my faith, for instance) and some things have proved to be more insignificant than I previously felt them to be (my need to finish school quickly and with all A's and at the expense of time with my kids). I'm just wondering if everyone else found themselves realizing they are a different single person than they were a married person. Maybe I'll find that to be true with more time but not yet....
Some more milestones or accomplishments this past week occurred. I LOVE Indian food. Jove did, too. He and I would often meet at a local Indian restaurant on his lunch hour and grab a quick bite to eat together. Well, I wanted to go to this same restaurant this past week before I started my fast (tell you about that later!) and, unfortunately, I had nobody that could go with me so I decided to suck it up and go alone. I thought that sounded like a great challenge. I haven't eaten alone in a long time so that would be accomplishment #1. The second accomplishment would be going to "our" restaurant at lunch with all the other couples and not having a breakdown. It was not THAT difficult while I was there. I eavesdropped on lots of conversations (well, what ELSE was I supposed to do?!?!), witnessed a disastrous first date (is that what I have to look forward to!?!?!), and enjoyed my "last meal" with myself and my book. I walked out of there feeling empowered and satisfied. Now I'm thinking of going back to the Bed and Breakfast where we got married....I can't decide if it's best to go alone to that one. It needs to be done, I think. I wonder if others force themselves out of their comfort zones to visit those "special" places they shared with their spouses or do most people avoid them? I might need to set up a poll feature on this website!