Sometimes, when you claim to be the happiest, you're really not. I noticed that when a friend of Jove's checked up on me the other day. I told him all the great things going on in our lives...things were just great, great, GREAT! And then...sad, sad, sad later that day. Not for long, mind you, but I think it takes a whole heck of a lot of energy to stay up and positive all the time. Sometimes, those declarations of happiness make you just plain tired. It's good, though. Reminding myself of all the great blessings in my life is a good thing, even if it exhausts me now and again.
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What the heck? Why do I choose to go to this place? I put on the sad music and stare at happy family pictures, remembering the day we took it. I found some good ones tonight. The day I ran my first marathon my mom captured the moment I got my arms around Jove immediately after being wrapped in my mylar blanket. I remember how strongly emotional I felt that day and how I needed my honey and, thank God, he was there when I needed him. I love when a picture can take you back to the moment and you really, honestly FEEL what you felt then. You can see how much I loved him and counted on him in that photo and I love it.
This time last year he was frantically getting ready for his first teaching gig in Europe. We were so excited about our trip but I had to accept the fact that he was all-consumed with work. Despite the stress, it was our very favorite vacation as a family and I'm so glad we had that time together! I found a picture from my friend's wedding in Mexico. Jove and I had posed like huge goofballs in our swimsuits for each other in the room before we went to walk the beach. He looked HOT! We both got in really great shape for that trip...it was our first time away from the kids for any extended period of time and we had a blast! Those three pictures represent the things I miss most about Jove and our relationship. First, it's having him as my support and my rock and my comfort. Though perfectly independent and capable, there's nothing like having someone in your corner cheering you on, building you up, and being proud of you when you do what you set out to do. Then, there's the family man. Yes, he was busy but, when we were all together, we were a great family and we enjoyed each other immensely. Having him there to talk to about our kids was priceless. Finally, I miss being able to be accepted in all my goofiness. Too many people only know one side of me but it was nice to have him see all the sides and accept each one. I could be serious, I could be goofy, I could be stressed out and angry, I could talk about God and politics (okay, he and I never should have talked politics!), I could cry and be emotional...no matter what, he saw it all and he loved me through it all. I had no insecurities with him. I want all those things back. I'm coming up on 8 months in 2 days. I feel like I was on a huge upswing in months 5-7, I think, but please tell me this is not a downturn. I'm sure it's just a bad night brought on by my own choices (I'm telling you, it's the music!) but, I'm hoping I'll work through it and come out of it with some more clarity, some more strength, some more...something that will keep me moving forward. Right now, at this very moment, I have no sense of anything but sadness and the need for a very good friend. |
AuthorThis is my attempt to let you into my new life. It's sorta like my old life only I'm a little more introspective, a lot more realistic, a bit more cautious and, yet, more willing to risk it! This widowhood throws you for a loop and it takes awhile to figure out how you want to handle it. You can read about how it's going for me if you want... Archives
January 2017
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