Today's thought: Month 11 feels like month 3. I'm hoping month 12 does not feel like month 2.
The end.
I wasn't kidding.
Today's thought: Month 11 feels like month 3. I'm hoping month 12 does not feel like month 2. The end.
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Nothing new to say, really, but needing to say something. Hey! That sounds like a good song lyric, no? It's a sad day. Reflective. Had a dream last night that the kids and I had to live in an apartment building (a yucky, run-down, mice-infested one). We were running out of options but just so happened to go to one place and asked if the current apartment managers/family would be leaving anytime soon and, as luck would have it, they were. I showed the place to my mom and dad and they tried to hide the look of disapproval on their faces but didn't succeed. So, the kids and I made our home in this 1 BR room....I can pull a few things out of the dream and find a way to apply it to my current situation (no, don't worry, we are not in a situation where we have to move) but I wonder if I should. Sometimes I think I over-think things and need to just "go with it" a little more. Other times, I worry that following my heart may not be the way.....I miss the simpler times. Anyway, the dream from this morning was just one in which you wake up feeling a little glum. I've yet to shake that feeling this morning.
My son's first scrimmage of the 2010-11 hockey season and I didn't do so well. Neither did he but that's got nothing to do with Jove.... ;) I sat there in the ice rink having a conversation with a woman I do not know well about weddings and wedding dresses, while facing the bench that my husband died on nearly one year ago, watching my son have a bad game, realizing that this time last year I would be watching Jove on the bench opening and closing the door for the defensemen as they went on and off the ice. He'd be wearing his black fleece probably with his blue Timken coffee mug in his hand. He would have taken J an hour early so he could dress and I would have come just in time for the game with Z. Things weren't that way this year. I sat alone on the cold bench wishing my husband was one of the 2 or 3 assistant coaches as he always was, wondering how the night he died really went down (Did I get the whole story from his teammates? Were they all talking about what was happening as he was taken away in the ambulance or was it quiet? How long did it take for them to call me? How did they find my number (Jove's phone had a lock on it)?.... I have so many questions still...and realize the answers don't really matter at all. Part of what bothers me the most is that I wasn't there when it happened. I don't feel guilty per se...it was a a late game and I only took the kids to the early ones because Jove and I always stuck to a pretty set bedtime. He would always be so happy when we came to watch him, though...which was not often enough. I just wish I could have been with him when it happened. I would have wanted to ride with him in the ambulance and stay with him while they tried to save him at the hospital. Instead, he was alone. I'm sad about that. There's always going to be a part of me that wonders if he knew I was there....could I have talked him into fighting harder to live? I know, I know. Impossible. Blockage. No blood flow. No air. Death. Nothing they could do....I still wonder, though. The next few weeks are going to be terrible and I'm a fairly big optimist. The start of another hockey season...the anniversary of his death....thinking about the first week, month, etc...after we lost him....Can I just go hide away and see everyone after the first of the year? I think I might be alright again then...:)
Today is hard. I'm not sure why. Yes, it is my birthday. Big deal. I have amazing, considerate, caring friends that have texted, called, posted on facebook....even a few real cards came in the mail! I mean, I almost feel undeserving of all the love and attention. (Notice I said *almost*- LOL!).
Seriously, though, I'm hurting and I can't seem to shake it. I felt like I did a pretty good job today of faking my happiness. I did all the requisite things: I smiled, I ate, I interacted, etc...but all I wanted to do was be alone, in my bed, with a box of tissues and my thoughts. I hate these days. Is it because we are so close to the year mark now? Am I dreading that day and preparing myself for it now? I am afraid I will quit everything when that day comes and just give up on the things that are progressing so well for me now. It just seems like an impossible day to get through. I'm trying to plan for it. Do I take the kids out of school and the three of us (or maybe JP, Jennifer, and my parents, too?) could just get away for awhile to reminisce?!?! Or, do we do something "meaningful" like release balloons or go to one of Jove's favorite places? Do we acknowledge the day but continue on with the day's scheduled events? I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I've asked people in my widow/widower's group and people all do different things. What is right for us? The kids don't seem to have an opinion which doesn't help. I'm left trying to figure it out on my own. I'm exhausted...emotional drained. Physically incapable of movement. I feel like I've dragged my feet all day. Literally. My head has been aching all day and I'm just....sad. Plus, try starting out the day crying and see what your contacts are like for the rest of the day. I'll tell you: foggy. I can't see and that adds to my grumpiness. I do know that I have the most wonderful people in my life and I cannot want for more. Everyone has picked my spirits up today just by checking in and saying 'Happy Birthday'. I appreciate everyone taking time out of their day to perform that gesture for me. It really makes me feel good and you've helped bring my thoughts up out of the doom and into the light :) Much love to you all.... Before I sign off I must share that my parents do not only spoil my children but manage to continue to spoil me, too, even at my age. They got me a punching/kicking bag! A good, sturdy one that I can pummel whenever the mood arises. I need ways of releasing my anger, frustration, sadness, etc... and, after kicking one at an adventure race I did over the summer, I put it on my wish-list because it felt so cleansing to kick the heck out of it! The other gift was the most special. It has such a personal meaning that I almost don't want to share it (but I will). It is this beautiful bracelet (pictures from the past week or so will be coming soon to facebook :) that has lotus flowers etched into its design. What's so significant about the lotus flower? Let me tell you! If you have nothing better to do, read below to see why the lotus flower is now my favorite flower and so meaningful! "Lotus flowers are amazing and have strong symbolic ties to many Asian religions. The lotus flower starts as a small flower down at the bottom of a pond in the mud and muck. It slowly grows up towards the water's surface continually moving towards the light. Once it comes to the surface of the water, the lotus flower begins to blossom and turn into a beautiful flower, which has become a symbol for awakening to the spiritual reality of life. In modern times, the flower represents life in general. As the lotus flower grows up from the mud into an object of great beauty, people also grow and change. Thus symbolizing the struggle of life at its most basic form. For example, it could be a symbol for those that have gone through a hard time. Like the flower, they have risen above to a life of beauty. Another symbolic characteristic of the lotus flower is the observation that the plant's stalk is easy to bend in two, but is very hard to break because of its many strong, sinuous fibers. Poets use this to represent a close, unbreakable relationship between people, showing that no matter how far away they may be, nothing can separate them in heart." And I'll just leave you with that :) One year closer to the big 4-0 and I’m mostly okay with that. I’m optimistic 35 is going to be a good year for me. That might be all the positivity I can muster for a bit, though, because today is definitely a Jove kind of day. Every day I think of him but some days are filled with more sad emotions of missing him rather than just my normal thoughts of being so grateful for having him as long as I did….
Today I think of what last year’s birthday was like. I didn’t know it at the time but 1 month and 2 days later I would be without my Jove. I think he would have skipped the trip to Korea that kept him away from me on my 34th had he known he would die just a month later. I remember him telling me not to post anything on FB about his being out of the country because he always worried something would happen to me (apparently, all my crazy FB friends would break into our home and steal me?!?!?) but that was Jove. He was so private and protective of me and the kids. He made me feel safe (except when he refused to get up and check on “that noise” in the middle of the night, always telling me it was the house settling!). It’s just funny (and, no, not in a ha-ha kind of way) that this is actually my second birthday without Jove and what a difference in how they feel. The first time, I was disappointed he wasn’t with me but I talked to him every day he was gone and couldn’t wait for him to come back. Today…disappointed isn’t quite what I’m feeling. I feel a bit miserable. It’s not like I’m big into gifts or doing anything super special on my birthday but just being a family and getting a special card and doing the dinner thing…it’s so sad to me that I’ll never get to do that with him and the kids. I miss his spiky hair that I always hated and his smile that came as easily to him as breathing does to most people. I miss his stupid articles he’d constantly send to me justifying why he should continue to drink coffee and me telling him it didn’t matter because it smelled bad and makes your teeth yellow. I miss his reading glasses around his neck, his obsession with sci-fi, and his eyes that I had to tear away from the computer screen often (but I sort-of enjoyed the challenge of being more important, or at least momentarily more entertaining, than his work). I miss his expertise on…oh, everything and the fact that I could trust him to give me good advice on anything whether it be something we wanted to purchase or somewhere we were planning to travel or my future employment….I never questioned whether it was good advice. I trusted him completely. I know people reading this probably think I’m crazy. I mean, yes, it’s been nearly 11 months (in 2 days) and I’ve come to terms with the fact that we can’t be a family like we were and there will be no more shared meals and the things I miss are gone, only remaining in our memories. The reality of that hits harder on certain days, though, and today is one of them. I wish I had a point. I don’t. I miss Jove. I miss the simple, natural, probably taken-for-granted great life I had with him. Yes, this is despite the fact that I have a wonderful new relationship that I’m excited about. It doesn’t matter. They are two very different relationships, both extremely important to me. Jove will always be loved and missed. Dan is very much in my present life and we are happy to have each other. I feel blessed to have been given the opportunity to have another love, another man I can trust and depend on. It’s not the same as what I had with Jove and I don’t want it to be. It is different and just as special but in its own unique way. 35 years on this earth and I feel considerably “seasoned”. Not old but like I’ve had plenty of life experience. In fact, I’d be okay to be considerably boring for a long while…I don’t need to grow any stronger, learn any more life lessons, etc…I’m good. Really. The kids and I need a break. Jakhari had a thing happen recently that left him feeling down and out. I had to point out how fabulous he is, of course (because he really is…I could not want for a better son), but also had to remind him that he survived losing his Dad at the age of 9. He is strong. He is brilliant and happy and funny and athletic and kind and curious and a million other adjectives so, really, we just need to accept that some things we just can’t control. Life can be unfair. People can do the wrong things and can hurt us. However, if you have a supportive group of people around you that love you and honestly want the best for you, and if you know in your heart your worth and you can stay open to the good things and the good people in life, you can get through anything that comes your way. In the grand scheme of things, we just need to keep remembering what really matters and what doesn’t. I think that has helped get me to the point I’m at now. Realizing what matters. Relationships matter. People matter. God matters. Attitude matters. Things don’t matter. Image doesn’t matter. What people think doesn’t matter. Being the best doesn’t matter but trying your best does. Everyday I want to try and be the best mother, the best girlfriend, the best daughter, the best widow, the best friend, the best student, the best me that I can possibly be. Maybe today is a struggle as I say hello to 35 but I will try my best to embrace the day for what it is meant to be: a celebration of life. THAT I can appreciate! |
AuthorThis is my attempt to let you into my new life. It's sorta like my old life only I'm a little more introspective, a lot more realistic, a bit more cautious and, yet, more willing to risk it! This widowhood throws you for a loop and it takes awhile to figure out how you want to handle it. You can read about how it's going for me if you want... Archives
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