Yesterday was an "I miss......." kind of day. I remembered a lot of the good things I miss Jove saying or doing. I cried a lot. Then, I went to pick up my son at the hockey rink only to have 3 of his old teammates on the ice in their Pond Scum jerseys....reminding me of Jove excitedly skating around the rink, smiling, stretching, looking not at all like the old 49 year aged man that he was :) The tears flowed, embarrassingly, right then. I sobbed to my son on the way home which led to a pretty good talk and, once again, I was reminded of how my son may not be the most communicative fellow about his feelings but he sure does offer great comfort and empathy for others that are hurting. He is going to be a great man someday and I don't know how I will ever think any of these giggly girls will ever deserve him. I got off topic- sorry.
The only problem is that today is starting out the same way. So sad, so much heartache. I want my kids to have their dad and I want Jove to tell me that "Nobody compares to you" again. I miss his hugs and how proud of me he was. He always said what a fantastic mom I was and that meant everything to me. He bragged about my racing accomplishments to people at work even though I told him I was just performing in an average way. He was always impressed with what I did. He respected all of the volunteer work that I did but never failed to suggest that I should start a business doing xyz. Regularly. Annoyingly frequently. However, it is the annoying little things I miss, actually. His giggly laugh that oftentimes felt so inappropriate is the one I regret getting annoyed with the most. What a gift that laugh was and the joy he seemed to get out of simple things in life. It is just that he was such a good person....and there are so many people that aren't as nice or kind....I never will be able to understand it. Today is going to be hard and I just need to accept it. It's been a rough week. My tenants moved out of our rental property without giving me this month's rent nor 30 days notice. The place is dirty and they shut off the gas. I get to sit at the first house I shared with my late husband for four hours today in the cold, empty, dirty house. Thinking is not my friend. Not most days and certainly NOT today. Also, my phone dropped and the screen shattered. Only $50 to replace it because I was smart enough to get the warranty but it still impacted my strict 2012 January budget I setup for myself.....and, I am on the Daniel fast again and am finding myself irritated at being so restricted (though I am 1 week and 1 day done so only less than 2 weeks left!)...All I know is that it has been a challenging week and I know, from experience, it could be a heck of a lot worse. I shouldn't complain so much but, sometimes, whining about it just needs to occur. I have friends coming over this weekend that understand all this and I can't wait! New fitness goal is beginning on 2/1 as well as a new life goal. Wish me luck! There has been quite a time lapse since my last post. I actually have 2 blog entries saved here that I didn't have the guts to publish. Sometimes it is enough just to write the words down and keep them under wraps even from yourself....
So I've noticed something the last few months. It's a dullness that has overshadowed the sharpness I normally felt when reflecting on my memories of Jove. In the past, I could get worked up quite easily and, without much effort or reflection time, could find myself smack dab in the middle of a sea of turbulent emotions and memories. I often felt those times allowed me to think about certain more painful memories as a way to stay connected, make sure I still FELT, remember Jove "enough", etc...Now, even when I purposefully scroll through hundreds of pictures of my late husband, it takes me longer to get to that emotionally turbulent place. I still feel, though, and I definitely remember. I just feel the memories are less jagged and painful. Though that sounds like a great thing, I am fearful of what that means for my future. I pray it doesn't mean that they will continue to erode, someday leaving me completely. I want my memories for my entire lifetime. I may not be able to control Jove being here or not but I certainly should be able to control whether he resides in my heart and mind, darnit! Obviously, I am going to continue forward as I know that that is the best thing for the kids and I. I just can't help but wonder if the dullness I'm feeling is permanent and foreboding. As I type that, I realize that, like my wedding ring that I wear around my middle finger was once shiny and new, it often is in dire need of a good cleaning. Time did a good job of wearing down the shine but it only takes a bit of effort and attention to clean that ring up and bring back the brilliance. I think my memories will be like that, too. They seem dull until I give them some attention and effort. I need to place myself back in the situation sometimes, take my time in remembering the feelings associated with the situation, and I betcha I start to see the brilliance in my past memories as clearly as I see the brilliance now, as we look to our new future.... I went on to this widow website and that is what she had posted for the day. That is such a hard question and it brought me to tears. Of course, we all can think of things we wish we would have said or maybe something we wish we hadn't. I am fortunate that I had just written Jove a note telling him how much we appreciate his hard work and dedication to our family and how loved he was. I also was able to tell him the night he died that I loved him just a few hours before he passed away....Of course, it doesn't feel like enough. There are thoughts flying through my head of things I would have wanted to reiterate to him and make sure he knew. There are questions I would have wanted to ask but the biggest one, I think, is....."Did I love you enough?" There is a young couple about to get married and I was asked to write a little something for them using my "wisdom" after being married for almost 10 years and going through what we have this past year plus. I think that question is perfect for a couple just getting married. Every day and every night and with every decision a partner makes, they should ask themselves what their partner would say if they asked, "Do I love you enough?". We need to make decisions in a marriage where we put the other person first. We need to think the best of them at all times. We need to be their support and their safe place where they can come home to and feel loved even if they weren't feeling that way before they walked through the door. We need to be able to know that, at the end of their life, they would definitively answer, "Yes, you loved me enough" when asked that question. It's so simple really. You don't need a ton of money to buy the biggest house or extravagant gifts. You don't need to take the fanciest trips. It really is about how loved you can make the other person feel. Did I have enough of that in my marriage? Not all the time, sadly. However, MOST of the time, I am confident Jove would have said "yes" to that question. He was loved and respected by us. I can remember memories that reassure me of that and I see it in our home videos. I hear it when the kids talk about him, when I find old cards and letters, and when I remember his smile. He was happy and loved and I am blessed to have been able to be a part of his happiness for almost 11 years. I will continue to honor him and keep his memory alive for my children. They had the best daddy in the world and they learned so much from him in such a few short years. He will definitely live on through them.
I know you don't need to hit a milestone to have an emotional day. I know you don't have to have a specific reason to need a day to feel deeply (some call that wallowing...maybe it is). I know you can be perfectly happy and upbeat one minute but the next feel like a semi-truck has rammed hard into your heart. I know that logic means nothing at times and offers no comfort in times of heartache. I know that one more month or one more year can both be comforting, encouraging, and strength-building as well as depressing, crushing, and overwhelming. I know that crying helps rid oneself of the crushing weight of sorrow but also leaves you drained and tired. I know that kids can turn things around for you (especially little boys that aren't usually a source of comfort and empathy). I know that healing takes a lot of time and you need supporters that have a lot of patience. I know that resilience is a trait you must thank God for because not everyone has it. I know that the amount of resilience a person has is dependent on biology and early parent/child connections. (Thank you Mom and Dad!) I know that getting rid of clutter, reorganizing and creating new systems, welcoming a bit of change, some fresh, new things...that can all help give you a fresh start, some hope, a desire to begin again, and vigor. I like the way that sounds: vigor. Vigor is "physical or mental strength, energy, or force; the capacity for natural growth and survival; strong feeling; enthusiasm or intensity". I relate to all of the definitions :) Do you have vigor?
I should be writing my paper for school that is due tomorrow but this quote grabbed my attention and pulled me in. Are you ready? Maybe I'll elaborate further later but here is the part I loved: ...."it is though the deceased releases her grip on the mind of the mourner, in order to reside quietly in his heart".....I'm actually reading a scientific journal article for my motivation psych class and it is really bizarre to read this study on grief and realize it really IS summarizing how I feel, the process I have endured, the direction I am going....I could have sworn that Jove had released his grip on my mind and was residing quietly in my heart but, alas, I had a little setback of sorts today. Nothing too terrible and nothing too dramatic. I saw the last few items of laundry from Jove that I never have wanted to wash in the laundry closet tonight (yes, I KNOW it's been 14 months!). I thought that maybe today would be the day to finally wash it and put it away. As I picked up his sleeveless underarmour (oh how I hated that sleeveless thing!), I sniffed it and was SHOCKED to discover I could still smell my dead husband. Did that word startle you? The book I'm reading for my class also reiterates that I need to use that ugly word: dead. Yuck. Anyway, I smelled him. I quickly put the shirt back in the pile because I didn't want to use up all of his scent just yet. I'm not ready to wash him away yet. I'm not ready to stop smelling what little scent I can find of him. Still grieving. He still has a bit of a grip on my mind and is not quite quietly resting in my heart but in time it will be that way, I'm sure. I think of how far I've come and feel plenty okay with where I am at now and look forward to the day the 'ol mind is free and the heart is light :)
I have not blogged in sooo long but not because I don't have a lot to say. Rather, it's been so complicated lately that I never felt like taking the time necessary to both analyze my thoughts and feelings nor share them with anyone reading.
Today I feel like talking, though. Let's see. Today is what would have been my 11 year wedding anniversary. It is the second anniversary "celebration" I've had since Jove died. Last year's was unbearable with the kind of crying that leaves you exhausted afterward...the kind you need to take a nap afterward. This year has gone considerably smoother. I am just in a funk....kind of grumpy with my kids (why did they have to give them this day off of school? I wanted very much to have some alone time today!), kind of feeling a little down, not sure how much I want to let myself feel sad....Luckily, because being in school successfully sucks up most of my time, I have that distraction to fall back on. Unfortunately, most of the time I am cursing the fact that I have school as a distraction. It is such a time-stealer. In fact, I'm going to take just two classes in the spring and then give myself a break again. I am not managing my kids, my school work, and my jobs very well at all. The kids are still doing well, I am still holding on to my 4.0, my boss has been kind enough to allow me a short reprieve on my work until after finals (but that means less money when I "need" it most for Christmas) but, oh the things that are suffering just to appease my perfectionistic tendencies! I haven't sat down and played a game with the kids in sooo long! I haven't seen my grandson as much as I want to and was able to do when he was first born. My house is surface-clean but needs to be deep-cleaned. I need time to remove the clutter. My workouts are inconsistent. I forget my commitments sometimes. Basically, my family and volunteer work is taking a backseat to work and school and that does not make me happy. Do I have a solution worked out? Not yet but I'm working on it.... My new relationship with Dan is going well (and I don't think he'd mind me saying so). The fact is that it is exactly what we (the kids and I) need now and it is working. One thing we struggled with was when I told him I needed him to embrace Jove like a friend rather than a competitor. He thought that was odd and unrealistic but I can see a greater effort on his part recently and that, in turn, makes me feel more connected to him for making that effort. Maybe it sounds weird but I need to talk about Jove so I need a partner that can laugh with me when I tell something stupid we used to do or understand enough about him to know why I hurt when I think of my loss. I don't know that we will ever get to the point where we sit around the campfire telling 'Jove stories' but I appreciate him bringing his name up once in awhile to ask a question and he always listens when I need to talk. I feel like he might be able to handle this situation, after all. Having Dan in my life most certainly distracts me positively. When I have the option of staying down and feeling the sadness, I know I have someone that makes me happy and I can retrain my thoughts to think about the blessings in my life rather than the losses. Now if only I can get two important men in my life to accept this new relationship, I'd feel more at peace with it. I need to remind myself, though, that the peace doesn't come from having others accept me or my choices.....that is a hard lesson to remember, though. A little update: It's been a month since camp and both my kids are still keeping in touch with their "bigs" from camp. They are doing well with school (all A's for both!), Jakhari's hockey team has won all but one game, I believe, and he's racked up a few shutouts (for all you non-hockey fans, that means, as a goaltender, he was able to save all the shots taken on him for an entire game), Zhanri continues to perform with the Ohio Youth Ballet and was just given a special move that showcases her flexibility and gracefulness at the end of a new routine. She is very excited! They are my gauge to see how we are doing and we are all doing well. Today, we got a cupcake and went to "celebrate" our anniversary with Jove at the cemetery. You would think that would have helped my grumpiness but no. The kids and I talk about how cruel our tradition seems as we eat yummy treats and he gets nothing. If I think too hard when we are there, I start to get sad so we never stay long. We just stay enough so that we take a moment to think of him and the kids then race from a particular spot down to the car and we leave. I'm happy they are comfortable going there because I like making the effort to focus our thoughts on him regularly together with no distractions. With the holidays here, I know things get so difficult for lots of people, but especially for those remembering a loved one that has passed on. I think it is a great reminder to just slow down this holiday season and if someone is acting in a way that irritates you or is confusing to you, remember that it is possible they are struggling with a loss of someone close to them or maybe financial difficulties...be slow to judge or, better yet, leave the judging to God and just be understanding and selfless this season. I needed that reminder myself today so I thought I'd share :) Happy Thanksgiving! I'm thankful my life is filled with love, memories, support, acceptance, trust, optimism, and hope. It's not just a case of semantics, folks. Twice in the past month people have pointed out that the technical term for us widows/widowers is "only-parent"- not "single-parent". I got it before but times like these are when the point is really driven home.
I'm sick. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to cook (nor smell food), I don't want anyone around me and yet...I want someone to take care of me and "handle" things around the house. I miss calling Jove up at work and bargaining with him to skip his meetings and just come home and take care of the kids. Most often, he would. I miss that backup, that dependable person that was as invested as I am in our children that it was a non-issue...of COURSE he would help out. If he didn't have to work, he'd be here doing his part. It's times like these where it saddens me to know that I'm truly parenting alone now. That's a little sad. That's not to say I don't have an enormous amount of people that love my children and would come help me if I called...but we all know that is the phone call we never make. I don't know why...we just don't. And I don't know why I blogged about this except to feel a little sorry for myself today. And since I'm here anyway, two things happened recently that I may as well get off my chest. One, a friend told me that she got the divorce/widow comparison. Meaning, a person talks to you as if they understand you and you should understand them because you are both without your husbands....no, people, I don't know how else I can say this so you'll understand....they are NOT the same thing and we widows/widowers don't appreciate the comment. That's not to say that there are not some instances where we could support and learn from each other but please don't blanket-statement something like that and think you will pull us in closer. Divorced does not equal widowed. Period. The second thing I used to complain about a lot at the beginning but it hasn't happened a lot since then....thankfully! I will put my feelings out there and you can get mad over it or you can try to understand it but I need to say it. I love when someone says to me "I think of you and your children and pray for you regularly" or "you guys are on my mind often" or something along those lines. Who doesn't like to be thought of and lifted up in prayer? I appreciate it and welcome it with much gratitude. However, this comment....not so much: "So, I heard about your husband passing away. I'm sorry about that. That must have been tough, huh?" Well, let's see....there are so many things wrong with this statement that i don't even know where to start. First, it's not past tense. It's still tough. We might be moving forward but we haven't forgotten Jove and my children didn't forget that they no longer have a Dad! Then, please picture an inappropriate setting with a too cheerful of an attitude and then picture what I wanted to do to this person....I won't tell you because you won't like me anymore. Listen. I get it. You see me and you think "oh, there's that woman that lost her husband last year....wonder how she's doing..." or something like that. You are curious. You are nosy. You have no real concern for me, though. If you did you would have called a year ago or at some point this past year. You did not. That's okay. I have had an enormous outpouring of support. Just please don't subject me to that gossipy-type inquiry whenever you get a bit curious because I'm standing in front of you and you are reminded of who I am. And I wish I were meaner because I would have loved to say something smart-ass and sarcastic in response to the inquiry about things being "tough" but I didn't. I turned away and said "yes". I'm sure they got the point but I fumed for the next several hours. I have to stop letting that stuff get to me! Maybe you can relate. Maybe not. Maybe you think I'm not sensitive to the fact that the person was just trying to be kind. Maybe you are right but I'm okay with that. Til next time.... Well, this is a toss-up, actually. There are two things I highly recommend to parents that have lost a spouse and want to help their kids. Keep in mind that I am certainly no expert and my kids are only 10 and 8. Maybe I should save this advice for when they are 20 or 30 to make sure they turn out alright first :)
Let's assume they do. First and foremost, tell your kids the truth and answer their questions honestly. I have been so open and honest with my kids that I sometimes question if it's too much. I realize, though, that you can never be too honest. You can offer too much, too soon and in too-adult ways but honesty...no, there can't be too much of that if you stay sensitive to what they are asking or needing to understand and their maturity level. I've always been upfront with them but the night Jove died, I had to say some things to them that put us in another category of parent/child communication. No matter how you do it, I think telling your children that their daddy has died is an adult conversation whether any of you like it or not. They aged so much on October 5th, 2009, just by having to process that horrific news. All along the way I've tried to maintain that honesty....when I started seeing Dan, when I was an emotional wreck in front of them....I want them to know that this is a situation that I'm not certain about how to handle but we will get through it together with communication and openness. So far, so good. The second thing I would recommend, and the reason I'm blogging tonight, is Comfort Zone Camp. I'm going to sound like I'm advertising for them but I can assure you somebody needs to! This place was everything I had hoped for (and more!) when I stumbled upon their website. I have long felt that Heather and my Heartache to Healing in Canton young widow/widower group has helped satisfy a need in me to have a group of people that understand what I'm going through and that allow me to offer my suggestions and are able to share their insights so that we all come away with more than if we had braved this grieving process alone. I wanted my kids to have that, too. The school did a little 6 week program last year for them and it was wonderful. However, I think the kids needed ways to really bond with one another and once a week for 20 minutes in a situation that did not force some interaction did not allow for that bonding to take place at all. Camp did this and so much more! First, the camp is free. Of course, they ask that you donate what you can but they allow this opportunity to ALL kids that need a safe, supportive place to come. My kids got in along with about 60+ others. I was thoroughly interviewed for over an hour on the phone before she said 'yes' and felt she understood enough of our story to match my kids well. They are matched one-on-one with unbelievable buddies that are thoroughly checked out and trained to be a support system, a role model, and someone that inspires and guides and loves the children throughout their 3 day adventure. My son, a computer geek and sport freak, was paired with a 31 year old guy who has done over 15 camps. He also lost his father to a heart attack and is a computer programmer that enjoys sports and...karaoke! All I can say is thank you, Jesus, because my son, whom is notorious for hiding in the bathroom when his teacher had them do dance parties once a week last year, came home doing the "sizzle" and showing off like I've NEVER EVER seen before. He had the confidence to be goofy and silly and not so reserved. He bragged about singing karaoke to two songs. He was open and relaxed and free and he had emotion. I've not seen that much emotion from him since...the day I told him Jove died. He told me "Mom, I cried because everybody did it. It's no big deal". YES!!!!!! You have NO IDEA how overcome I am with emotion typing this because it is what I had prayed for but didn't think could really happen in a 3 day camp. I guess when God picks the right match for your son and Jakhari kept his heart open to the experience like I asked him to....look what great things can happen! He did not want to leave and I didn't either. I saw a different kid there (not that he's not perfectly great most days but I saw a beautiful openness and JOY that I just haven't seen so much in the past year)....AMAZING! Zhanri had an equally wonderful time but less of a transformation. I shouldn't say that, actually, because she did things I didn't expect of her. One thing they do at camp is hand out pins (from other campers and also the "bigs") to reward a person for going outside their comfort zone and sharing their story or taking a risk. Zhanri earned plenty but I was most impressed that she went completely outside of her comfort zone to do things like climb the rock wall and go paddle-boating. Those don't sound so crazy to some of you but to my Zhanri....those are huge! She didn't just go read a book or swing on the swings like she normally would have but chose to branch out and take advantage of the new opportunities...even after telling me she was nervous about them and she wouldn't do them. That is huge! She also expressed a concern she had in front of her "healing circle" one night that really showed me she was open to sharing her thoughts and feelings and was receptive to others' input and suggestions. She told the other campers and "bigs" she wishes her brother would be more open to talking to her about her dad. I think this camp may change that for her. I hope so because I would like nothing more than for the two of them to bond on a deeper level and to be able to depend on each other for some emotional comfort. After all, as Z most pointedly told me one day soon after Jove died, "well, Mom, you didn't lose YOUR dad". She's right. How would I know what that feels like? Jakhari does, though, and I want them to help each other. I think that will happen. Also, my little 8 year old was called an "old soul" and the group leaders said she was the most insightful kid of the bunch (7-9 year olds). I am not surprised. She has always understood things that most young kiddos don't get which has been a problem for me because I tend to treat her like she's much older when I talk to her and with what I expect of her. I need to constantly remind myself of her age. Anyway, her "big" was super affectionate with her and Zhanri took in all the love. She's owning that comment that the counselors said about her and is quite proud of herself now as she should be :) Back to camp....they played icebreaker games, 4 square (my son's favorite game now), tetherball, street hockey, basketball, crafts, karaoke, paddle-boats, rock climbing, and then..."healing circle" where they spend hours getting to know each other and each others' pain. This is where the magic happened and I am touched by the stories my kids told me. There were kids that were there because they lost their parents in the 9/11 attack, kids that lost multiple family members, kids that lost siblings or a parent to suicide, kids from all over...kids that were very different from them but very, very similar. They opened up to each other and comforted each other and the licensed counselors in each "healing circle" group helped the kids learn ways to positively cope with their guilt or anger or fear or sadness. They taught them how to give themselves permission to grieve and not worry about upsetting the remaining parent. They saw their peers cry and realized they could do it too. They took chances to say things and feel things that they couldn't in their day-to-day lives. I am so proud of every child there. We parents met Friday night and Sunday afternoon, too. It was very emotional as I listened to all the stories of loss. Humbling. It actually made me grateful for the way Jove died. He was doing what he loved and we had each spent time with him earlier in the day. Some of the other stories were excruciatingly tragic. On Sunday, we parents were invited back for a closing ceremony....a funeral of sorts created by the kids. They performed skits that made you cry, showed artwork that made you cry, read poems that made you cry, played games that made you cry, (do you sense a crying theme here?!?!?) hugged each other, stood in front of a room full of 100+ people and cried and let their guard down and were open and honest about how they felt. They were funny and charming and sweet and strong and resilient and...just kids. They were amazing and, though it hurt my heart to realize how much pain was in that room, it was truly one of the most inspiring days I've had. We ended with a balloon launch that turned out to be hysterical as we cheered on this wayward purple balloon. I can't say enough about this camp and hope that any widow/widowers out there send your kids if you get the opportunity. They say most kids don't want to go because they assume they will be subjected to 3 days of crying but, though they DO end up crying or feeling their sadness and loss, they all seem to want to come back the next year. I've already signed my two up for next year at their insistence! If you are looking for a charity to donate to this year or next, please consider Comfort Zone Camp (comfortzonecamp.org). My kids went to the NJ camp but they have them in MA, VA, and CA, too, I believe. The NJ one started to help the kids whose parents were killed in 9/11. There was the coolest kid there named Tyler that Jakhari loved (mainly because he was a hockey player and had long hair!). His dad was killed in the 9/11 attack when he was about 7. His mom sent him to camp right away and he's been back every year since. He's now 16 and a junior counselor. If I could spend my life doing anything, it would be something like this. I will finish this psych degree first and then bring this thing to Ohio! So, all in all, this weekend was emotional for all of us. I hurt for my kids who just would do anything to have their dad back but can't. My kids hurt as they deal with the reality that is their life but I saw something beautiful this weekend. They let themselves grieve openly (J more than Z which was surprising to me) and unapologetically because they COULD. Because they felt safe. Because they felt understood. Because the environment was right for it. Because there was no judgment or curiosity...only similar feelings and similar stories. They felt normal again! That has been their biggest struggle...not feeling normal and like everyone else. That's all kids really want and, as much as I hate for them to want to feel like they have to be like everyone else, I understand it. As I probably started dating so soon so I could stop being "the widow", I think they enjoyed camp because they were no longer "the kid that lost his/her dad last year". At camp, they were just kids that had that shared experience so they got to be the kid with the long hair that loves hockey and is really compassionate and articulate in the healing circle. Or the kid that loved to pose for pictures, dance all around, was insightful, and asked everyone to be quiet at night so she could journal and read. I am SO grateful for this wonderful blessing that my kids were able to partake in and can't wait for this to be a regular vacation we take each and every fall. So much has happened this week. I'm juggling work projects, school tests and a paper, vigilance as I watch to make sure my kids are handling this anniversary week well, and then there's me....oh wait, I've barely had any time for ME to process that it's been a year. I've tried but life keeps getting in the way! I have unfinished writings on my other computer I need to sit down with and sleep that needs to be had.....
I will say that Tuesday was a challenge to my inner strength as a person and I was able to come through that still proud of my behavior and attitude. That makes the day successful. I did not give in to despair or sadness or negativity though I had my moments. Wednesday turned out to be fairly positive with the kids, my parents, and I hiking at "our" park...just taking time to be together and talk and relax. Our lives have become so busy that we welcome any opportunity to take a time out and just be....Wednesday was that for us. The worst part has definitely been the anticipation of that day. Social events have been especially hard lately because I overhear talks about husbands or family life that I miss. The hockey rink, too...for some reason it has been more difficult to be there at night. It just is, though. As my son practically lives there (or would like to!), it is a place I need to find peace with...hard to do when you can't stop looking at the very place he died. The good news is that we made it. We are still thriving and finding joy in our everyday lives. The kids are doing great in school and in their activities. My life is in a good place, loaded with friends and family that I can never show my appreciation for enough. We are blessed. |
AuthorThis is my attempt to let you into my new life. It's sorta like my old life only I'm a little more introspective, a lot more realistic, a bit more cautious and, yet, more willing to risk it! This widowhood throws you for a loop and it takes awhile to figure out how you want to handle it. You can read about how it's going for me if you want... Archives
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