Well, today is a day to be happy about! I got to watch my grandson for the first time...alone! We bonded. I told him how perfect he was and he stuck his tongue out at me and tracked me with his eyes. I'll take it! It was great. I took 50 pictures of him in less than 10 minutes, got peed on but didn't care, and showed him a picture of his grandpa Jove and let him listen to Jove's voice. While hanging with him for that very short hour and 15 minutes (take longer next time, guys!), I realized that I really, really love this little guy. I love my kids immensely but there is so much more room in my heart for grandsons and new friends and, yes, even another love one day. I sometimes wonder "how would that even be POSSIBLE?" but I realize that it's like having your second child. You didn't take some love away from the first to give to the second; you simply dug a little deeper and found a whole new depth of love that just needed found.
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Well this week has been...interesting. What I thought would be a perfectly average week turned out to be a bit of a cry-fest for me. First there was the Girls Gala (formerly known as the Father Daughter Dance) for my 7 year old. I was fine until the day of. Jove, before he died obviously, had helped choose her dress (we got it at the end of last season :). My daughter and I went this week to pick out accessories. We were both excited for her to be going with my Dad. There were no tears and only joy. Until the day of the dance. She went to school happily but I was in a bit of a funk. I went to the gym and at the end of class where they have you cool down and breathe deeply I found tears cascading down my face. I was surprised because it sort of came out of left field. After that, I just couldn't keep it together. I cried thinking about what my daughter was missing out on and what Jove wouldn't get to experience again with her and how much fun they had in previous years and how they both loved each other so much....it was just one sad, long trail of thoughts that wouldn't stop. My Dad came down early (even took the day off of work!) to help me with some things around the house before he took my daughter to the dance. He taught me how to use Jove's riding lawn mower. After getting over the difficulty of starting it, it was just me and the mower. And some more sadness. WHY it would hit me then might have been simply because the day was so sad already. Or, maybe I was remembering that Jove cut the grass just a few hours before he died or maybe I was thinking how this was his job and why wasn't he there to help me. Maybe it was just the vividness of being able to see Jove sitting on the mower with his coffee cup in the holder and his mp3 player. Maybe I just hate cutting the grass, but whatever was causing it, I found myself sad and crying. A lot. And then, just like that, I thought about how ridiculous I looked riding this mower with my sunglasses on and tears streaming down my cheeks and my poor dad trying to yell out to me "Honey, are you okay?" with such concern on his face that I just burst out laughing hysterically. I just can't believe this is my life sometimes! I had everything and regularly felt so darn fortunate to have my fantastic kids, parents, husband, health, friends, and our finances in order. We were not immune to marital fights (anyone that knows us would know that!) or stress or any of that but we were solid and our life together was something to be cherished. As I rode that stupid lawn mower I worried about if I was doing it right (I don't think my neighbors thought so!), but I mostly thought about how I have no control over this. You can have everything you always wanted but it's not promised to you forever. It can literally be ripped from you the very next moment and, often, isn't that just the way it goes? I think of my friends that are divorced or in the process or of friends that have lost babies or parents and jobs. I felt very insulated from all that tragedy until it happened to me. Now I have a healthy fear, I think, of what can really happen and I realize it can happen to me, too, not just somebody else. It doesn't make me more negative but it does throw a dose of reality into my normally optimistic viewpoints. At the beginning I felt like I was the only one that had to live through something so horrific and how unusual my circumstances were. Now, as time goes on, I see that we all carry a huge horrific event (in one way or another) somewhere deep inside that has taught us many life lessons. And, most importantly, I see that I'm definitely not alone and not so unusual either.
Well a really fortunate thing happened. Heather contacted the local school district and they forwarded our information about Heartache to Healing in Canton on to parents of middle and high school children. A parent, also a reporter for the local paper, saw our info and contacted us to schedule an interview. That happened today. Though I'm uncertain of what will be written, I'm positive that getting the word out about our small group will help others in our community. Also, being able to tell our personal stories in addition to sharing our hopes for our group, was very cleansing for me today. I haven't told the story of the night Jove died in months. I needed to. The amazing thing that I discovered today was that I used to tell that story over and over because it helped me realize this nightmare was true; that Jove really wasn't coming home. Today, though I did cry and was sad to remember the details of that night, I realized that I didn't NEED to say it to convince myself of his death. I have already accepted his death and that is progress for me.
Another fortunate thing that happened recently was that our group had our first meeting. Though Heather and I thought it would only be the two of us, we were pleasantly surprised to see someone else show up to join us. We had a great time that night and very natural conversation. Though we all talk often about how we could not have gotten to the points we are all at now without the support and love of our community, family, and friends, there is a lot to be said for sitting down to talk with others that are in a similar position. It gives you an instant bond, one that doesn't need to filter through the small talk. We talked openly about our late spouses and I never once worried that I was talking too much about him. Yet there was no wallowing in our misery but, simply, a lot of sharing and remembering together. It was natural and helpful and fun. I can't wait for next month! I haven't felt like writing the last few days...not sure why.
The last few days I've felt a little "fuzzy" again. At the very beginning, when Jove first died, I could barely remember my name. Seriously. Being an organizer and planner and all-around-fairly-together person, that was hard to deal with. Not only do you have to deal with the devastation of losing your spouse but you also realize that you are losing yourself (albeit temporarily, you don't realize that at the time and wonder if you'll ever be "back to normal"). I just felt lost. I don't know when exactly the fuzziness began to come back into focus a little bit but gradually it has happened. I still feel forgetful and still get distracted easily (as I have the last few days re-reading Jove's emails constantly!) but I'm feeling more like my "normal" self. Until this past week. Maybe it's because I have gone back to staying up entirely too late again and, therefore, getting no sleep or maybe it's just a phase that I must pass through but I have been feeling forgetful and fuzzy a lot lately. I actually had to check the trash can to see if my crust from my toast was thrown in there to remind myself if I had eaten yesterday morning. (I hadn't and please don't tell anyone that story because it's gross and goes against my normally germaphobic tendancies!). The point is, when will this fuzzy/forgetful phase be completely done? How long can I use Jove's death as an explanation for why I can't always stay on top of things? I talked to my friend (also widowed) and she says, after nearly 2 years, she is resigned to the fact that she is changed permanently. Though not able to explain why, it's like when you are pregnant and you forget things quite often. Well, eventually your hormones stabilize and you return to "normal". Only, it seems that maybe becoming widowed takes such an emotional, physical, mental toll on yourself that it takes years to recover?!?!?! I can't say for sure but after talking to other widows/widowers I think maybe that statement is pretty accurate. Luckily, my planner is my very good friend so if it's written down, it will get done. On a somewhat related topic, I was online and was doing some research on a possible research topic for school and came across some information on a website. I don't know if it's comforting or really, really irritating! It said: "Acceptance was the most frequently endorsed item and yearning was the dominant negative grief indicator from one to 24 months postloss. In models that take into account the rise and fall of psychological responses, once rescaled, disbelief decreased from an initial high at one month postloss, yearning peaked at four months postloss, anger peaked at five months postloss, and depression peaked at six months postloss." Basically, they are saying that I'm now safely through the most typical psychological responses' most prevalent peak periods. It's all down hill from here, people! I did the hard part and now it can only get better....I don't know if I believe that, to be honest. I still feel like it's up and down each week. Some days are GREAT and then there is a moment (like in church today when my pastor talked about dying from a heart attack or when the praise leader sang lyrics about love) when I still feel raw and hurting. However, I do realize that, with time, I'm finding that the raw and hurting moments are less and I can appreciate the joyful moments more. That's something to keep looking forward to :) Today I was a bit apprehensive because, after nearly 5 months, google finally responded to my request to have access to Jove's email accounts. Why apprehensive? I don't know. I was nervous I might find something I didn't want to see. As you might have guessed I like to write. Well, when I would get angry at him in the past I would write an email to myself saying all the really horrible things I would not say to his face. It's a tactic that worked for me most of the time but what if Jove did something similar and I had to read something I didn't know he felt about me? It's bad enough having to read some of the negative comments I made about him now that he's no longer living. I feel awful but, in some ways, I suppose it's a good thing to be reminded that he was not perfect. When someone you love so much dies, it's very easy to liken them to sainthood and forget all their flaws. It's okay that I'm reminded of the ways in which Jove was imperfect. It also has reminded me that I need to not care so much about insignificant things! I think this situation may have taught me to really be mindful of what is truly important and what is not. Also, re-reading the emails between Jove and I reminded me of the fun we had and some of the goofy things that I only talked about with him. The several hours I wasted today was filled with laughter and tears and then more laughter. Maybe it wasn't such wasted time after all :)
I met with my counselor today and it was just what I needed. Many have asked me if I'm "seeing somebody" in terms of a psychologist or support group of some sort. The answer is 'sort of'. I have a trusted psychologist/counselor that makes himself available to us when we need him and I've just had him confirm for us (every other month or so) that we are progressing in a healthy way. He's a godsend. Well, today we talked about dating. I think so many people are afraid to talk about that with a widow or widower. We are afraid to talk about it with each other, too. The reason to me seems to be because we are afraid that, by admitting we are thinking of dating or wanting to date, that we are somehow disrespecting our late spouses or, and this is what I struggle with, that people will think that we are "over" our late spouses. Unless you are going through it personally I think it would be impossible to understand how you can presently love someone and think of someone every day but still desire companionship or friendship or attention from someone of the opposite sex. I know that I would have criticized that idea, too, prior to being in this situation myself. Well, having these thoughts causes a lot of guilt. I have feelings of disloyalty (to Jove) and fear of what people will think (of me). My counselor said today, and I will try to say it as eloquently as he did for me, that there are two kinds of guilt. The good guilt is the kind that arises to right a wrong situation. This is the kind that makes us better people when we listen to it and learn from it and it goes away once the situation is rectified. The bad kind of guilt is the kind that is unfounded and should be ignored. This is the kind of guilt that many widows and widowers face when admitting they have thought about dating. So is there a lesson in this rant? I'm not sure. I do think that one important thing to remember is that we are all doing what feels right to each of us and that each person's journey will be unique. There is no set schedule as to when we "should" be ready to move forward with dating or anything else for that matter. The "right time" will be ours to decide. We must also remind ourselves that if we can survive losing the person we thought we would grow old with, SURELY we can stomach someone thinking negatively or criticizing our decisions. And, finally, we must remember that we didn't plan to be in the situation we find ourselves in now and I'm guessing we would all give a whole lot to be able to go back to the way things were. However, we can't. We have no control and it gives me some comfort to realize that this wasn't my doing. I couldn't keep Jove here and I can't bring him back now. By understanding that things are out of my hands I feel strangely comforted. I don't have to understand why things happened or exactly how they happened. I simply need to be open to my next experience. Here's to keeping your heart open for the next experience YOU were meant to have...guilt-free :)
Ya know, I have nothing new to say to explain how it feels when you realize you've hit yet another 'milestone'. Six months sounds so long when you are waiting for vacation, for instance. When I think about Jove being gone for that long, though, it just feels...timeless, if that's possible. It still feels like it hasn't been that long when I try to (and, thankfully, am ABLE to) recall specific things about him. Other times, though, it feels like FOREVER since I've had someone to bounce ideas off in regards to the kids or our future, to call during the day to update with stupid, random things that happened while we were apart, or to be told I look beautiful or sexy when I'm getting ready to go somewhere. When married, I could not fathom being away from him for 6 months. When he would travel on business trips I would be sad if he had to leave for an entire WEEK! It's just really nice to have your favorite person (sorry, kids, your favorite ADULT person) NEAR you. Touch is NOT overrated, I can tell you that. I look at pictures like the one to the right and I can still feel his shoulders or how his hugs felt. I remember what holding hands with him felt like. On a day-to-day basis I can think of him often and be okay just remembering whatever it was that brought him to the forefront of my mind for that moment. Sometimes, like on these 'milestone' days, I really sit back and force myself to think harder, feel deeper, and experience it more. It does hurt and I do cry but I don't feel like I can always keep things so close to the surface without diving in once in awhile.
Wow does THAT sound strange to say! I met Carter for the first time last night after returning from our wonderful vacation. He is gorgeous and has such a sweet disposition! I would gladly keep him forever but his mom and dad won't let me, the big meanies :) So when I saw him I cried. I never considered that I would do that just from meeting him but something came over me and I got a bit choked up. My stepson assumed it was because I was thinking of Jove not being there to see his first grandchild up close and personal but, honestly, though I had thought of that a lot leading up to the meeting, that was not in my head at the moment I laid eyes on that beautiful boy. Instead, I think I was just in awe of God's beautiful creation and how perfectly He made us. It is a huge gift to be a grandma (from here on out to be called the Tagalog name for Grandma which is 'Lola') at such a young age. I look forward to being in his life and telling him about his Grandpa and how much he looked forward to loving him. I already saw Jove in his grandson that first meeting. When Carter was fussy, I danced some hustle with him and he calmed down right away. Since my own son won't dance with me maybe Carter will be my new dance partner in a few years :) With Jove's death, I could have lost my relationship with my stepchildren if any of us had chosen that but, thankfully, my husband's death brought us closer together as a family and, again, I am so thankful. I have a lot to be grateful for this Easter Sunday. Thanks to Jesus' suffering, I will see my Jove in Heaven one day and that is just one more reason to say 'thank you' today.
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AuthorThis is my attempt to let you into my new life. It's sorta like my old life only I'm a little more introspective, a lot more realistic, a bit more cautious and, yet, more willing to risk it! This widowhood throws you for a loop and it takes awhile to figure out how you want to handle it. You can read about how it's going for me if you want... Archives
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