Well, I have been notably absent from this site, in general, and the blog, in particular. That is only because I found myself struggling with my emotions and feelings the past two or so months. Maybe that's not entirely true. I think I was okay with accepting my feelings but fearful of what those that have supported me for the past nearly 10 months will think of these new feelings I'm having. See, I've found myself in quite a predicament.
For about 9 months and 3 weeks now I've prayed for some direction from God. I never once felt anger towards Him and, in fact, found my faith strengthened by Jove's passing. I don't know why it happened that way but I'm grateful that was my experience. My biggest goal (besides helping my kids navigate this process the best I could) was to keep my heart open. I didn't want to become cold or depressed or hopeless or any of those negative things that I don't associate with myself normally. Instead, my prayers were always to help me trust God and the direction He has for my life and to keep me open to any new experiences that come from the tragedy we were forced to face.
God blessed me with a wonderful husband for 10 years and, just because he is no longer physically in my life, I still have the same love for him that I always have. It has not gotten stronger (meaning, I have not made him into a saint...he is still my lovable, flawed husband that I wanted to grow old with) and it has not weakened. Everyone's advice to me has always been "give it time". Time does have an impact on the "rawness" of a feeling but it does not weaken them. I do not love Jove any less today than I did 1 month ago, 10 months ago, 2 years ago...I can go about my day easier (I can think about him without falling apart as easily as I used to) but I can also turn on "the music" and feel like my heart is being ripped out again. The love has not been altered by time. Instead, I think (if you can visualize a weighted scale) the balance of sadness and happiness just shifts...happiness tends to be the "heavier" emotion lately....
The predicament appears when you learn of the new man that God brought into my life. I've known him now for a mere 2+ months but we've grown close quickly because of our well-matched emotional compatibility. We talk. A lot. We are very open people with each other and have touched on nearly every subject I can possibly think up (trust me, I've tried...he has been subjected to a very thorough questionnaire, and, no, I'm not joking!). I don't look at him and think "replacement for Jove" but, instead, "what a good man...we have a lot in common...this might just work"....(or things to that effect).
So why the predicament? Here are some questions a widow/widower might ask her/himself: 1) Can I love two men at once? 2) Will I ever be able to love this new person as much as the person that died? 3) Is it fair to go forward with a relationship not knowing the answers to these questions? 4) How will I handle any guilt that comes of thinking about moving forward without Jove...how would Jove feel about this really? 5) Is it fair to tell the new person all of these concerns and expect them to be able to handle it? (I know I could not be so selfless if the situation were reversed.) 6) Is it better to keep all the thoughts of your deceased spouse to yourself? (this would not work for me and, thankfully, I don't have to) 7) What will other people think? 8) Do I CARE what other people think? (The answer to that is, yes, unfortunately, I do. I care most about what my kids (all 4 of them) think and my parents. Everyone else matters but not like that of those closest to Jove and I all these years... 9) Is it too soon? 10) Who decided these arbitrary time constraints anyway?!?! 11) Will I lose friends and family because I am dating now? 12) Am I in touch with my true feelings or am I vulnerable because I'm still so emotional about my loss? 13) How are my kids going to react and am I ready to deal with that, too? 14) Can I give the time to a new relationship when I am feeling overwhelmed with things on my plate already? (the answer to this is, yes, if you find a person that will help lift some of the burden...). There are plenty more questions, trust me. My kids had a slew of them (some of which I forwarded to the man I'm in a relationship with for him to answer) and some were just for me to answer (Will he be mean?, Will he try to take Daddy's place, What if I don't like him...will you still see him?, etc...). It's a good thing one thing I am pretty good at is communication so the kids and I have talked about all the what-if scenarios and I've been very honest with them (and have from the very beginning). We are fine. We are figuring it out. We are doing what's best for all of us. However, it still feels like a predicament sometimes.
"A difficult, trying, or perplexing situation". Yep, that is what "predicament" means and it definitely describes how I feel sometimes. The good news I have to offer, though, is that it is not ALL that I feel about this situation. Sometimes it is just nice. And peaceful. And loving. And happy. It is the best feeling to be able to be loved through your sad moments and told it is okay. It is the best feeling to be told that someone else has enough faith in the new relationship for the both of us (when I struggle with my questions and doubts). It is sometimes just the best feeling in the world. Period.
Dating and developing feelings for someone new is a very involved process. It feels....crowded. There are so many more people to consider. Of course, at the very top are my kids. And my stepkids. And his kids. And my parents. And us. Us. That is a hard one to type. My "us" is Carly and Dan now. It used to be Carly and Jove. Is it still? Not technically. I know that because every form I fill out makes me relive it and realize it when they make me choose married, single, divorced, or widowed. Such an ugly word but one I heavily identify with now. I am widowed. I always will be. I am currently widowed AND in a relationship. I am okay with that. I hope everyone in my life is okay with it. I sure seem to have garnered a lot of support (you have no idea how good that feels!) but I also know that for every one of those positive public displays of support there are probably an equal number of people feeling that "it's too soon", "how could she?", "I could never do that!" or some other version of concern and/or judgment. I am okay with that, too, surprisingly. I have judged myself plenty. I think about whether Jove would want me to move forward with another man...now or in 2 years or 10 years...Jove would have told me 'no way' while he was alive. However, we had no idea he would be gone at such a young age. We talked often about how he only married me so that I could take care of him when he was old. We were joking, people! There was a 15 year age difference between us! I looked forward to taking care of him many years from now when he started to look or act his age :) However, I didn't get the chance and he is not here now so I am back to wondering..."Would Jove want me to be happy?". Yes. I think he would. He wouldn't like the thought of it if he were here on this earth but I think he is rejoicing for me in Heaven (where he does not have to feel those earthly emotions). In fact, there are some things I find very coincidental about Dan that I can't help but wonder if Jove had a hand in helping choose him for me....I'm going to choose to believe he did because I'm happier that way :)
So....this very long post is just my way of venting, sharing, releasing, announcing, and hopefully helping someone else know that I think the moving forward with dating process that is fairly inevitable at some point is difficult. However, it is possible. And, not only is it possible, it can be downright wonderful if you have the support and love and acceptance of friends and family that genuinely care for you and your family and want only good things for you. I am blessed to have those kinds of people in my life and I hope you do in yours.