I'm sick. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to cook (nor smell food), I don't want anyone around me and yet...I want someone to take care of me and "handle" things around the house. I miss calling Jove up at work and bargaining with him to skip his meetings and just come home and take care of the kids. Most often, he would. I miss that backup, that dependable person that was as invested as I am in our children that it was a non-issue...of COURSE he would help out. If he didn't have to work, he'd be here doing his part. It's times like these where it saddens me to know that I'm truly parenting alone now. That's a little sad.
That's not to say I don't have an enormous amount of people that love my children and would come help me if I called...but we all know that is the phone call we never make. I don't know why...we just don't. And I don't know why I blogged about this except to feel a little sorry for myself today.
And since I'm here anyway, two things happened recently that I may as well get off my chest. One, a friend told me that she got the divorce/widow comparison. Meaning, a person talks to you as if they understand you and you should understand them because you are both without your husbands....no, people, I don't know how else I can say this so you'll understand....they are NOT the same thing and we widows/widowers don't appreciate the comment. That's not to say that there are not some instances where we could support and learn from each other but please don't blanket-statement something like that and think you will pull us in closer. Divorced does not equal widowed. Period.
The second thing I used to complain about a lot at the beginning but it hasn't happened a lot since then....thankfully! I will put my feelings out there and you can get mad over it or you can try to understand it but I need to say it. I love when someone says to me "I think of you and your children and pray for you regularly" or "you guys are on my mind often" or something along those lines. Who doesn't like to be thought of and lifted up in prayer? I appreciate it and welcome it with much gratitude. However, this comment....not so much: "So, I heard about your husband passing away. I'm sorry about that. That must have been tough, huh?" Well, let's see....there are so many things wrong with this statement that i don't even know where to start. First, it's not past tense. It's still tough. We might be moving forward but we haven't forgotten Jove and my children didn't forget that they no longer have a Dad! Then, please picture an inappropriate setting with a too cheerful of an attitude and then picture what I wanted to do to this person....I won't tell you because you won't like me anymore. Listen. I get it. You see me and you think "oh, there's that woman that lost her husband last year....wonder how she's doing..." or something like that. You are curious. You are nosy. You have no real concern for me, though. If you did you would have called a year ago or at some point this past year. You did not. That's okay. I have had an enormous outpouring of support. Just please don't subject me to that gossipy-type inquiry whenever you get a bit curious because I'm standing in front of you and you are reminded of who I am. And I wish I were meaner because I would have loved to say something smart-ass and sarcastic in response to the inquiry about things being "tough" but I didn't. I turned away and said "yes". I'm sure they got the point but I fumed for the next several hours. I have to stop letting that stuff get to me! Maybe you can relate. Maybe not. Maybe you think I'm not sensitive to the fact that the person was just trying to be kind. Maybe you are right but I'm okay with that. Til next time....