I have not blogged in sooo long but not because I don't have a lot to say. Rather, it's been so complicated lately that I never felt like taking the time necessary to both analyze my thoughts and feelings nor share them with anyone reading.
Today I feel like talking, though. Let's see. Today is what would have been my 11 year wedding anniversary. It is the second anniversary "celebration" I've had since Jove died. Last year's was unbearable with the kind of crying that leaves you exhausted afterward...the kind you need to take a nap afterward. This year has gone considerably smoother. I am just in a funk....kind of grumpy with my kids (why did they have to give them this day off of school? I wanted very much to have some alone time today!), kind of feeling a little down, not sure how much I want to let myself feel sad....Luckily, because being in school successfully sucks up most of my time, I have that distraction to fall back on. Unfortunately, most of the time I am cursing the fact that I have school as a distraction. It is such a time-stealer. In fact, I'm going to take just two classes in the spring and then give myself a break again. I am not managing my kids, my school work, and my jobs very well at all. The kids are still doing well, I am still holding on to my 4.0, my boss has been kind enough to allow me a short reprieve on my work until after finals (but that means less money when I "need" it most for Christmas) but, oh the things that are suffering just to appease my perfectionistic tendencies! I haven't sat down and played a game with the kids in sooo long! I haven't seen my grandson as much as I want to and was able to do when he was first born. My house is surface-clean but needs to be deep-cleaned. I need time to remove the clutter. My workouts are inconsistent. I forget my commitments sometimes. Basically, my family and volunteer work is taking a backseat to work and school and that does not make me happy. Do I have a solution worked out? Not yet but I'm working on it.... My new relationship with Dan is going well (and I don't think he'd mind me saying so). The fact is that it is exactly what we (the kids and I) need now and it is working. One thing we struggled with was when I told him I needed him to embrace Jove like a friend rather than a competitor. He thought that was odd and unrealistic but I can see a greater effort on his part recently and that, in turn, makes me feel more connected to him for making that effort. Maybe it sounds weird but I need to talk about Jove so I need a partner that can laugh with me when I tell something stupid we used to do or understand enough about him to know why I hurt when I think of my loss. I don't know that we will ever get to the point where we sit around the campfire telling 'Jove stories' but I appreciate him bringing his name up once in awhile to ask a question and he always listens when I need to talk. I feel like he might be able to handle this situation, after all. Having Dan in my life most certainly distracts me positively. When I have the option of staying down and feeling the sadness, I know I have someone that makes me happy and I can retrain my thoughts to think about the blessings in my life rather than the losses. Now if only I can get two important men in my life to accept this new relationship, I'd feel more at peace with it. I need to remind myself, though, that the peace doesn't come from having others accept me or my choices.....that is a hard lesson to remember, though. A little update: It's been a month since camp and both my kids are still keeping in touch with their "bigs" from camp. They are doing well with school (all A's for both!), Jakhari's hockey team has won all but one game, I believe, and he's racked up a few shutouts (for all you non-hockey fans, that means, as a goaltender, he was able to save all the shots taken on him for an entire game), Zhanri continues to perform with the Ohio Youth Ballet and was just given a special move that showcases her flexibility and gracefulness at the end of a new routine. She is very excited! They are my gauge to see how we are doing and we are all doing well. Today, we got a cupcake and went to "celebrate" our anniversary with Jove at the cemetery. You would think that would have helped my grumpiness but no. The kids and I talk about how cruel our tradition seems as we eat yummy treats and he gets nothing. If I think too hard when we are there, I start to get sad so we never stay long. We just stay enough so that we take a moment to think of him and the kids then race from a particular spot down to the car and we leave. I'm happy they are comfortable going there because I like making the effort to focus our thoughts on him regularly together with no distractions. With the holidays here, I know things get so difficult for lots of people, but especially for those remembering a loved one that has passed on. I think it is a great reminder to just slow down this holiday season and if someone is acting in a way that irritates you or is confusing to you, remember that it is possible they are struggling with a loss of someone close to them or maybe financial difficulties...be slow to judge or, better yet, leave the judging to God and just be understanding and selfless this season. I needed that reminder myself today so I thought I'd share :) Happy Thanksgiving! I'm thankful my life is filled with love, memories, support, acceptance, trust, optimism, and hope. So much has happened this week. I'm juggling work projects, school tests and a paper, vigilance as I watch to make sure my kids are handling this anniversary week well, and then there's me....oh wait, I've barely had any time for ME to process that it's been a year. I've tried but life keeps getting in the way! I have unfinished writings on my other computer I need to sit down with and sleep that needs to be had.....
I will say that Tuesday was a challenge to my inner strength as a person and I was able to come through that still proud of my behavior and attitude. That makes the day successful. I did not give in to despair or sadness or negativity though I had my moments. Wednesday turned out to be fairly positive with the kids, my parents, and I hiking at "our" park...just taking time to be together and talk and relax. Our lives have become so busy that we welcome any opportunity to take a time out and just be....Wednesday was that for us. The worst part has definitely been the anticipation of that day. Social events have been especially hard lately because I overhear talks about husbands or family life that I miss. The hockey rink, too...for some reason it has been more difficult to be there at night. It just is, though. As my son practically lives there (or would like to!), it is a place I need to find peace with...hard to do when you can't stop looking at the very place he died. The good news is that we made it. We are still thriving and finding joy in our everyday lives. The kids are doing great in school and in their activities. My life is in a good place, loaded with friends and family that I can never show my appreciation for enough. We are blessed. One year closer to the big 4-0 and I’m mostly okay with that. I’m optimistic 35 is going to be a good year for me. That might be all the positivity I can muster for a bit, though, because today is definitely a Jove kind of day. Every day I think of him but some days are filled with more sad emotions of missing him rather than just my normal thoughts of being so grateful for having him as long as I did….
Today I think of what last year’s birthday was like. I didn’t know it at the time but 1 month and 2 days later I would be without my Jove. I think he would have skipped the trip to Korea that kept him away from me on my 34th had he known he would die just a month later. I remember him telling me not to post anything on FB about his being out of the country because he always worried something would happen to me (apparently, all my crazy FB friends would break into our home and steal me?!?!?) but that was Jove. He was so private and protective of me and the kids. He made me feel safe (except when he refused to get up and check on “that noise” in the middle of the night, always telling me it was the house settling!). It’s just funny (and, no, not in a ha-ha kind of way) that this is actually my second birthday without Jove and what a difference in how they feel. The first time, I was disappointed he wasn’t with me but I talked to him every day he was gone and couldn’t wait for him to come back. Today…disappointed isn’t quite what I’m feeling. I feel a bit miserable. It’s not like I’m big into gifts or doing anything super special on my birthday but just being a family and getting a special card and doing the dinner thing…it’s so sad to me that I’ll never get to do that with him and the kids. I miss his spiky hair that I always hated and his smile that came as easily to him as breathing does to most people. I miss his stupid articles he’d constantly send to me justifying why he should continue to drink coffee and me telling him it didn’t matter because it smelled bad and makes your teeth yellow. I miss his reading glasses around his neck, his obsession with sci-fi, and his eyes that I had to tear away from the computer screen often (but I sort-of enjoyed the challenge of being more important, or at least momentarily more entertaining, than his work). I miss his expertise on…oh, everything and the fact that I could trust him to give me good advice on anything whether it be something we wanted to purchase or somewhere we were planning to travel or my future employment….I never questioned whether it was good advice. I trusted him completely. I know people reading this probably think I’m crazy. I mean, yes, it’s been nearly 11 months (in 2 days) and I’ve come to terms with the fact that we can’t be a family like we were and there will be no more shared meals and the things I miss are gone, only remaining in our memories. The reality of that hits harder on certain days, though, and today is one of them. I wish I had a point. I don’t. I miss Jove. I miss the simple, natural, probably taken-for-granted great life I had with him. Yes, this is despite the fact that I have a wonderful new relationship that I’m excited about. It doesn’t matter. They are two very different relationships, both extremely important to me. Jove will always be loved and missed. Dan is very much in my present life and we are happy to have each other. I feel blessed to have been given the opportunity to have another love, another man I can trust and depend on. It’s not the same as what I had with Jove and I don’t want it to be. It is different and just as special but in its own unique way. 35 years on this earth and I feel considerably “seasoned”. Not old but like I’ve had plenty of life experience. In fact, I’d be okay to be considerably boring for a long while…I don’t need to grow any stronger, learn any more life lessons, etc…I’m good. Really. The kids and I need a break. Jakhari had a thing happen recently that left him feeling down and out. I had to point out how fabulous he is, of course (because he really is…I could not want for a better son), but also had to remind him that he survived losing his Dad at the age of 9. He is strong. He is brilliant and happy and funny and athletic and kind and curious and a million other adjectives so, really, we just need to accept that some things we just can’t control. Life can be unfair. People can do the wrong things and can hurt us. However, if you have a supportive group of people around you that love you and honestly want the best for you, and if you know in your heart your worth and you can stay open to the good things and the good people in life, you can get through anything that comes your way. In the grand scheme of things, we just need to keep remembering what really matters and what doesn’t. I think that has helped get me to the point I’m at now. Realizing what matters. Relationships matter. People matter. God matters. Attitude matters. Things don’t matter. Image doesn’t matter. What people think doesn’t matter. Being the best doesn’t matter but trying your best does. Everyday I want to try and be the best mother, the best girlfriend, the best daughter, the best widow, the best friend, the best student, the best me that I can possibly be. Maybe today is a struggle as I say hello to 35 but I will try my best to embrace the day for what it is meant to be: a celebration of life. THAT I can appreciate! My point of starting to write this blog was to be honest about what I was going through in the hopes that it would hit home with some other widows/widowers out there and allow others to know they are not the only ones feeling the way they are. The other purpose was to allow me to vent and release my feelings which always makes me feel cleansed and peaceful. Finally, it was a way to keep friends/family in the loop as to what I was going through on a regular basis and to allow others to "peek" into my life so that they can get a small understanding of the process of managing and traveling through grief (from my perspective, anyway).
Well, I have been notably absent from this site, in general, and the blog, in particular. That is only because I found myself struggling with my emotions and feelings the past two or so months. Maybe that's not entirely true. I think I was okay with accepting my feelings but fearful of what those that have supported me for the past nearly 10 months will think of these new feelings I'm having. See, I've found myself in quite a predicament. For about 9 months and 3 weeks now I've prayed for some direction from God. I never once felt anger towards Him and, in fact, found my faith strengthened by Jove's passing. I don't know why it happened that way but I'm grateful that was my experience. My biggest goal (besides helping my kids navigate this process the best I could) was to keep my heart open. I didn't want to become cold or depressed or hopeless or any of those negative things that I don't associate with myself normally. Instead, my prayers were always to help me trust God and the direction He has for my life and to keep me open to any new experiences that come from the tragedy we were forced to face. God blessed me with a wonderful husband for 10 years and, just because he is no longer physically in my life, I still have the same love for him that I always have. It has not gotten stronger (meaning, I have not made him into a saint...he is still my lovable, flawed husband that I wanted to grow old with) and it has not weakened. Everyone's advice to me has always been "give it time". Time does have an impact on the "rawness" of a feeling but it does not weaken them. I do not love Jove any less today than I did 1 month ago, 10 months ago, 2 years ago...I can go about my day easier (I can think about him without falling apart as easily as I used to) but I can also turn on "the music" and feel like my heart is being ripped out again. The love has not been altered by time. Instead, I think (if you can visualize a weighted scale) the balance of sadness and happiness just shifts...happiness tends to be the "heavier" emotion lately.... The predicament appears when you learn of the new man that God brought into my life. I've known him now for a mere 2+ months but we've grown close quickly because of our well-matched emotional compatibility. We talk. A lot. We are very open people with each other and have touched on nearly every subject I can possibly think up (trust me, I've tried...he has been subjected to a very thorough questionnaire, and, no, I'm not joking!). I don't look at him and think "replacement for Jove" but, instead, "what a good man...we have a lot in common...this might just work"....(or things to that effect). So why the predicament? Here are some questions a widow/widower might ask her/himself: 1) Can I love two men at once? 2) Will I ever be able to love this new person as much as the person that died? 3) Is it fair to go forward with a relationship not knowing the answers to these questions? 4) How will I handle any guilt that comes of thinking about moving forward without Jove...how would Jove feel about this really? 5) Is it fair to tell the new person all of these concerns and expect them to be able to handle it? (I know I could not be so selfless if the situation were reversed.) 6) Is it better to keep all the thoughts of your deceased spouse to yourself? (this would not work for me and, thankfully, I don't have to) 7) What will other people think? 8) Do I CARE what other people think? (The answer to that is, yes, unfortunately, I do. I care most about what my kids (all 4 of them) think and my parents. Everyone else matters but not like that of those closest to Jove and I all these years... 9) Is it too soon? 10) Who decided these arbitrary time constraints anyway?!?! 11) Will I lose friends and family because I am dating now? 12) Am I in touch with my true feelings or am I vulnerable because I'm still so emotional about my loss? 13) How are my kids going to react and am I ready to deal with that, too? 14) Can I give the time to a new relationship when I am feeling overwhelmed with things on my plate already? (the answer to this is, yes, if you find a person that will help lift some of the burden...). There are plenty more questions, trust me. My kids had a slew of them (some of which I forwarded to the man I'm in a relationship with for him to answer) and some were just for me to answer (Will he be mean?, Will he try to take Daddy's place, What if I don't like him...will you still see him?, etc...). It's a good thing one thing I am pretty good at is communication so the kids and I have talked about all the what-if scenarios and I've been very honest with them (and have from the very beginning). We are fine. We are figuring it out. We are doing what's best for all of us. However, it still feels like a predicament sometimes. "A difficult, trying, or perplexing situation". Yep, that is what "predicament" means and it definitely describes how I feel sometimes. The good news I have to offer, though, is that it is not ALL that I feel about this situation. Sometimes it is just nice. And peaceful. And loving. And happy. It is the best feeling to be able to be loved through your sad moments and told it is okay. It is the best feeling to be told that someone else has enough faith in the new relationship for the both of us (when I struggle with my questions and doubts). It is sometimes just the best feeling in the world. Period. Dating and developing feelings for someone new is a very involved process. It feels....crowded. There are so many more people to consider. Of course, at the very top are my kids. And my stepkids. And his kids. And my parents. And us. Us. That is a hard one to type. My "us" is Carly and Dan now. It used to be Carly and Jove. Is it still? Not technically. I know that because every form I fill out makes me relive it and realize it when they make me choose married, single, divorced, or widowed. Such an ugly word but one I heavily identify with now. I am widowed. I always will be. I am currently widowed AND in a relationship. I am okay with that. I hope everyone in my life is okay with it. I sure seem to have garnered a lot of support (you have no idea how good that feels!) but I also know that for every one of those positive public displays of support there are probably an equal number of people feeling that "it's too soon", "how could she?", "I could never do that!" or some other version of concern and/or judgment. I am okay with that, too, surprisingly. I have judged myself plenty. I think about whether Jove would want me to move forward with another man...now or in 2 years or 10 years...Jove would have told me 'no way' while he was alive. However, we had no idea he would be gone at such a young age. We talked often about how he only married me so that I could take care of him when he was old. We were joking, people! There was a 15 year age difference between us! I looked forward to taking care of him many years from now when he started to look or act his age :) However, I didn't get the chance and he is not here now so I am back to wondering..."Would Jove want me to be happy?". Yes. I think he would. He wouldn't like the thought of it if he were here on this earth but I think he is rejoicing for me in Heaven (where he does not have to feel those earthly emotions). In fact, there are some things I find very coincidental about Dan that I can't help but wonder if Jove had a hand in helping choose him for me....I'm going to choose to believe he did because I'm happier that way :) So....this very long post is just my way of venting, sharing, releasing, announcing, and hopefully helping someone else know that I think the moving forward with dating process that is fairly inevitable at some point is difficult. However, it is possible. And, not only is it possible, it can be downright wonderful if you have the support and love and acceptance of friends and family that genuinely care for you and your family and want only good things for you. I am blessed to have those kinds of people in my life and I hope you do in yours. We'll have to see where it goes (if anywhere). I've been open to the possibility of meeting someone for a little while now. I've decided I deserve that. I think I can safely say that the children are utmost in my mind as I try and maneuver through these myriad of feelings and thoughts I'm having with this newly added element in my life.
Running a close second to worrying about my kiddos is finding someone that will support me in continuing to love my husband. I know that sounds odd but I need someone that is strong enough and secure enough to know (and be able to accept) that I will forever love Jove. Could you imagine? I don't know what I would do if someone asked me to allow them to continue to love someone while they were exploring a relationship with me. I thought only another widow would understand that. It is new and the kids only know the basics about him because that is all that is necessary at this point. Of course, I am not an expert at this single-mom dating thing and never wanted to be. I pray that I am handling things the "right" way and I would welcome any and all prayers for wisdom in this matter. Also, for my kids that they can also have an open heart when that day comes. To any widows out there that can't imagine dating ever again: let me just say that there are good people out there and, by all indications thus far, some are willing to lend an ear during the hard times and are there to share memories with, too. It's nice.... While running in the rain today, I unloaded all my thoughts to a dear friend. It started because I ran into the doorknob with my hipbone the day before and it was hard enough to bring tears to my eyes (and I'm not particularly wimpy :). I was sad after it happened because I really missed Jove yelling "You okay, Babe?". It's those little things that most people take for granted. It got me thinking. Jove was my "umbrella person", the person I could go to with anything. Now, I don't know if I made this term up or if I read it somewhere but it seems to fit. He was someone I could tell anything to: goofy stuff, scary stuff, insignificant stuff, gross stuff, funny stuff, serious stuff, life-changing stuff. He was my go-to guy. I trusted him with it all! Well, good thing I have my mom because she's also my umbrella person, though maybe I only feel comfortable telling her 9/10 of the stuff I told Jove. Good thing I have a best friend that I also feel comfortable telling a myriad of things to. I also have a wonderful group of friends and acquaintances that all enrich my life in some very significant ways whether it be my church friends, my running friends, my gym friends, my school friends, my facebook friends, my long-distance friends, my old friends, etc... Still, it's a lonely realization that your main umbrella person that can accept ALL the things you share with them about ANY subject is no longer there. A few people have said, in one way or another, it's going to be hard to find another Jove. The truth is I don't want another Jove because he really was special. Most men don't smile enough. Most men aren't as brilliant or as kind or as good of cooks either! With that said, though, Jove had to pass my checklist when I met him. He did alright on it- LOL! He matched up on a good number of things and nearly every really important thing. That's all I'm going to do this time around. Will Jove and my future-husband share some of the same traits? I hope so! They both will have had to pass the same test and I'm picky and tough! But I will never have another Jove. I will have to accept that I had my one of a kind guy for nearly 11 years and accept that for the blessing that it was. I am hopeful that, one day, another man will be able to pass the test, too, and become special to us in his own way :)
Well, today is a day to be happy about! I got to watch my grandson for the first time...alone! We bonded. I told him how perfect he was and he stuck his tongue out at me and tracked me with his eyes. I'll take it! It was great. I took 50 pictures of him in less than 10 minutes, got peed on but didn't care, and showed him a picture of his grandpa Jove and let him listen to Jove's voice. While hanging with him for that very short hour and 15 minutes (take longer next time, guys!), I realized that I really, really love this little guy. I love my kids immensely but there is so much more room in my heart for grandsons and new friends and, yes, even another love one day. I sometimes wonder "how would that even be POSSIBLE?" but I realize that it's like having your second child. You didn't take some love away from the first to give to the second; you simply dug a little deeper and found a whole new depth of love that just needed found.
I met with my counselor today and it was just what I needed. Many have asked me if I'm "seeing somebody" in terms of a psychologist or support group of some sort. The answer is 'sort of'. I have a trusted psychologist/counselor that makes himself available to us when we need him and I've just had him confirm for us (every other month or so) that we are progressing in a healthy way. He's a godsend. Well, today we talked about dating. I think so many people are afraid to talk about that with a widow or widower. We are afraid to talk about it with each other, too. The reason to me seems to be because we are afraid that, by admitting we are thinking of dating or wanting to date, that we are somehow disrespecting our late spouses or, and this is what I struggle with, that people will think that we are "over" our late spouses. Unless you are going through it personally I think it would be impossible to understand how you can presently love someone and think of someone every day but still desire companionship or friendship or attention from someone of the opposite sex. I know that I would have criticized that idea, too, prior to being in this situation myself. Well, having these thoughts causes a lot of guilt. I have feelings of disloyalty (to Jove) and fear of what people will think (of me). My counselor said today, and I will try to say it as eloquently as he did for me, that there are two kinds of guilt. The good guilt is the kind that arises to right a wrong situation. This is the kind that makes us better people when we listen to it and learn from it and it goes away once the situation is rectified. The bad kind of guilt is the kind that is unfounded and should be ignored. This is the kind of guilt that many widows and widowers face when admitting they have thought about dating. So is there a lesson in this rant? I'm not sure. I do think that one important thing to remember is that we are all doing what feels right to each of us and that each person's journey will be unique. There is no set schedule as to when we "should" be ready to move forward with dating or anything else for that matter. The "right time" will be ours to decide. We must also remind ourselves that if we can survive losing the person we thought we would grow old with, SURELY we can stomach someone thinking negatively or criticizing our decisions. And, finally, we must remember that we didn't plan to be in the situation we find ourselves in now and I'm guessing we would all give a whole lot to be able to go back to the way things were. However, we can't. We have no control and it gives me some comfort to realize that this wasn't my doing. I couldn't keep Jove here and I can't bring him back now. By understanding that things are out of my hands I feel strangely comforted. I don't have to understand why things happened or exactly how they happened. I simply need to be open to my next experience. Here's to keeping your heart open for the next experience YOU were meant to have...guilt-free :)
|
AuthorThis is my attempt to let you into my new life. It's sorta like my old life only I'm a little more introspective, a lot more realistic, a bit more cautious and, yet, more willing to risk it! This widowhood throws you for a loop and it takes awhile to figure out how you want to handle it. You can read about how it's going for me if you want... Archives
January 2017
Categories
All
|