I went on to this widow website and that is what she had posted for the day. That is such a hard question and it brought me to tears. Of course, we all can think of things we wish we would have said or maybe something we wish we hadn't. I am fortunate that I had just written Jove a note telling him how much we appreciate his hard work and dedication to our family and how loved he was. I also was able to tell him the night he died that I loved him just a few hours before he passed away....Of course, it doesn't feel like enough. There are thoughts flying through my head of things I would have wanted to reiterate to him and make sure he knew. There are questions I would have wanted to ask but the biggest one, I think, is....."Did I love you enough?" There is a young couple about to get married and I was asked to write a little something for them using my "wisdom" after being married for almost 10 years and going through what we have this past year plus. I think that question is perfect for a couple just getting married. Every day and every night and with every decision a partner makes, they should ask themselves what their partner would say if they asked, "Do I love you enough?". We need to make decisions in a marriage where we put the other person first. We need to think the best of them at all times. We need to be their support and their safe place where they can come home to and feel loved even if they weren't feeling that way before they walked through the door. We need to be able to know that, at the end of their life, they would definitively answer, "Yes, you loved me enough" when asked that question. It's so simple really. You don't need a ton of money to buy the biggest house or extravagant gifts. You don't need to take the fanciest trips. It really is about how loved you can make the other person feel. Did I have enough of that in my marriage? Not all the time, sadly. However, MOST of the time, I am confident Jove would have said "yes" to that question. He was loved and respected by us. I can remember memories that reassure me of that and I see it in our home videos. I hear it when the kids talk about him, when I find old cards and letters, and when I remember his smile. He was happy and loved and I am blessed to have been able to be a part of his happiness for almost 11 years. I will continue to honor him and keep his memory alive for my children. They had the best daddy in the world and they learned so much from him in such a few short years. He will definitely live on through them.
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I know you don't need to hit a milestone to have an emotional day. I know you don't have to have a specific reason to need a day to feel deeply (some call that wallowing...maybe it is). I know you can be perfectly happy and upbeat one minute but the next feel like a semi-truck has rammed hard into your heart. I know that logic means nothing at times and offers no comfort in times of heartache. I know that one more month or one more year can both be comforting, encouraging, and strength-building as well as depressing, crushing, and overwhelming. I know that crying helps rid oneself of the crushing weight of sorrow but also leaves you drained and tired. I know that kids can turn things around for you (especially little boys that aren't usually a source of comfort and empathy). I know that healing takes a lot of time and you need supporters that have a lot of patience. I know that resilience is a trait you must thank God for because not everyone has it. I know that the amount of resilience a person has is dependent on biology and early parent/child connections. (Thank you Mom and Dad!) I know that getting rid of clutter, reorganizing and creating new systems, welcoming a bit of change, some fresh, new things...that can all help give you a fresh start, some hope, a desire to begin again, and vigor. I like the way that sounds: vigor. Vigor is "physical or mental strength, energy, or force; the capacity for natural growth and survival; strong feeling; enthusiasm or intensity". I relate to all of the definitions :) Do you have vigor?
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AuthorThis is my attempt to let you into my new life. It's sorta like my old life only I'm a little more introspective, a lot more realistic, a bit more cautious and, yet, more willing to risk it! This widowhood throws you for a loop and it takes awhile to figure out how you want to handle it. You can read about how it's going for me if you want... Archives
January 2017
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