Let's assume they do. First and foremost, tell your kids the truth and answer their questions honestly. I have been so open and honest with my kids that I sometimes question if it's too much. I realize, though, that you can never be too honest. You can offer too much, too soon and in too-adult ways but honesty...no, there can't be too much of that if you stay sensitive to what they are asking or needing to understand and their maturity level. I've always been upfront with them but the night Jove died, I had to say some things to them that put us in another category of parent/child communication. No matter how you do it, I think telling your children that their daddy has died is an adult conversation whether any of you like it or not. They aged so much on October 5th, 2009, just by having to process that horrific news. All along the way I've tried to maintain that honesty....when I started seeing Dan, when I was an emotional wreck in front of them....I want them to know that this is a situation that I'm not certain about how to handle but we will get through it together with communication and openness. So far, so good.
The second thing I would recommend, and the reason I'm blogging tonight, is Comfort Zone Camp. I'm going to sound like I'm advertising for them but I can assure you somebody needs to! This place was everything I had hoped for (and more!) when I stumbled upon their website. I have long felt that Heather and my Heartache to Healing in Canton young widow/widower group has helped satisfy a need in me to have a group of people that understand what I'm going through and that allow me to offer my suggestions and are able to share their insights so that we all come away with more than if we had braved this grieving process alone. I wanted my kids to have that, too. The school did a little 6 week program last year for them and it was wonderful. However, I think the kids needed ways to really bond with one another and once a week for 20 minutes in a situation that did not force some interaction did not allow for that bonding to take place at all. Camp did this and so much more!
First, the camp is free. Of course, they ask that you donate what you can but they allow this opportunity to ALL kids that need a safe, supportive place to come. My kids got in along with about 60+ others. I was thoroughly interviewed for over an hour on the phone before she said 'yes' and felt she understood enough of our story to match my kids well. They are matched one-on-one with unbelievable buddies that are thoroughly checked out and trained to be a support system, a role model, and someone that inspires and guides and loves the children throughout their 3 day adventure. My son, a computer geek and sport freak, was paired with a 31 year old guy who has done over 15 camps. He also lost his father to a heart attack and is a computer programmer that enjoys sports and...karaoke! All I can say is thank you, Jesus, because my son, whom is notorious for hiding in the bathroom when his teacher had them do dance parties once a week last year, came home doing the "sizzle" and showing off like I've NEVER EVER seen before. He had the confidence to be goofy and silly and not so reserved. He bragged about singing karaoke to two songs. He was open and relaxed and free and he had emotion. I've not seen that much emotion from him since...the day I told him Jove died. He told me "Mom, I cried because everybody did it. It's no big deal". YES!!!!!! You have NO IDEA how overcome I am with emotion typing this because it is what I had prayed for but didn't think could really happen in a 3 day camp. I guess when God picks the right match for your son and Jakhari kept his heart open to the experience like I asked him to....look what great things can happen! He did not want to leave and I didn't either. I saw a different kid there (not that he's not perfectly great most days but I saw a beautiful openness and JOY that I just haven't seen so much in the past year)....AMAZING!
Zhanri had an equally wonderful time but less of a transformation. I shouldn't say that, actually, because she did things I didn't expect of her. One thing they do at camp is hand out pins (from other campers and also the "bigs") to reward a person for going outside their comfort zone and sharing their story or taking a risk. Zhanri earned plenty but I was most impressed that she went completely outside of her comfort zone to do things like climb the rock wall and go paddle-boating. Those don't sound so crazy to some of you but to my Zhanri....those are huge! She didn't just go read a book or swing on the swings like she normally would have but chose to branch out and take advantage of the new opportunities...even after telling me she was nervous about them and she wouldn't do them. That is huge! She also expressed a concern she had in front of her "healing circle" one night that really showed me she was open to sharing her thoughts and feelings and was receptive to others' input and suggestions. She told the other campers and "bigs" she wishes her brother would be more open to talking to her about her dad. I think this camp may change that for her. I hope so because I would like nothing more than for the two of them to bond on a deeper level and to be able to depend on each other for some emotional comfort. After all, as Z most pointedly told me one day soon after Jove died, "well, Mom, you didn't lose YOUR dad". She's right. How would I know what that feels like? Jakhari does, though, and I want them to help each other. I think that will happen. Also, my little 8 year old was called an "old soul" and the group leaders said she was the most insightful kid of the bunch (7-9 year olds). I am not surprised. She has always understood things that most young kiddos don't get which has been a problem for me because I tend to treat her like she's much older when I talk to her and with what I expect of her. I need to constantly remind myself of her age. Anyway, her "big" was super affectionate with her and Zhanri took in all the love. She's owning that comment that the counselors said about her and is quite proud of herself now as she should be :)
Back to camp....they played icebreaker games, 4 square (my son's favorite game now), tetherball, street hockey, basketball, crafts, karaoke, paddle-boats, rock climbing, and then..."healing circle" where they spend hours getting to know each other and each others' pain. This is where the magic happened and I am touched by the stories my kids told me. There were kids that were there because they lost their parents in the 9/11 attack, kids that lost multiple family members, kids that lost siblings or a parent to suicide, kids from all over...kids that were very different from them but very, very similar. They opened up to each other and comforted each other and the licensed counselors in each "healing circle" group helped the kids learn ways to positively cope with their guilt or anger or fear or sadness. They taught them how to give themselves permission to grieve and not worry about upsetting the remaining parent. They saw their peers cry and realized they could do it too. They took chances to say things and feel things that they couldn't in their day-to-day lives. I am so proud of every child there.
We parents met Friday night and Sunday afternoon, too. It was very emotional as I listened to all the stories of loss. Humbling. It actually made me grateful for the way Jove died. He was doing what he loved and we had each spent time with him earlier in the day. Some of the other stories were excruciatingly tragic. On Sunday, we parents were invited back for a closing ceremony....a funeral of sorts created by the kids. They performed skits that made you cry, showed artwork that made you cry, read poems that made you cry, played games that made you cry, (do you sense a crying theme here?!?!?) hugged each other, stood in front of a room full of 100+ people and cried and let their guard down and were open and honest about how they felt. They were funny and charming and sweet and strong and resilient and...just kids. They were amazing and, though it hurt my heart to realize how much pain was in that room, it was truly one of the most inspiring days I've had. We ended with a balloon launch that turned out to be hysterical as we cheered on this wayward purple balloon.
I can't say enough about this camp and hope that any widow/widowers out there send your kids if you get the opportunity. They say most kids don't want to go because they assume they will be subjected to 3 days of crying but, though they DO end up crying or feeling their sadness and loss, they all seem to want to come back the next year. I've already signed my two up for next year at their insistence!
If you are looking for a charity to donate to this year or next, please consider Comfort Zone Camp (comfortzonecamp.org). My kids went to the NJ camp but they have them in MA, VA, and CA, too, I believe. The NJ one started to help the kids whose parents were killed in 9/11. There was the coolest kid there named Tyler that Jakhari loved (mainly because he was a hockey player and had long hair!). His dad was killed in the 9/11 attack when he was about 7. His mom sent him to camp right away and he's been back every year since. He's now 16 and a junior counselor. If I could spend my life doing anything, it would be something like this. I will finish this psych degree first and then bring this thing to Ohio!
So, all in all, this weekend was emotional for all of us. I hurt for my kids who just would do anything to have their dad back but can't. My kids hurt as they deal with the reality that is their life but I saw something beautiful this weekend. They let themselves grieve openly (J more than Z which was surprising to me) and unapologetically because they COULD. Because they felt safe. Because they felt understood. Because the environment was right for it. Because there was no judgment or curiosity...only similar feelings and similar stories. They felt normal again! That has been their biggest struggle...not feeling normal and like everyone else. That's all kids really want and, as much as I hate for them to want to feel like they have to be like everyone else, I understand it. As I probably started dating so soon so I could stop being "the widow", I think they enjoyed camp because they were no longer "the kid that lost his/her dad last year". At camp, they were just kids that had that shared experience so they got to be the kid with the long hair that loves hockey and is really compassionate and articulate in the healing circle. Or the kid that loved to pose for pictures, dance all around, was insightful, and asked everyone to be quiet at night so she could journal and read. I am SO grateful for this wonderful blessing that my kids were able to partake in and can't wait for this to be a regular vacation we take each and every fall.